


Speak 'Husband' and Marry

by LassieLowrider



Series: COC2019 [20]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: M/M, fairytale retelling, listen it's weird but it's not. u know. Weird (tm), swedish folk tales
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:47:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21796345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LassieLowrider/pseuds/LassieLowrider
Summary: Simon and his foster sisters are aghast when their foster father tells them they shall marry to further his agendaor: Simon isn't really certain where the dog comes into the whole thing, but it's probably his fault
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: COC2019 [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1553869
Comments: 8
Kudos: 45
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2019





	Speak 'Husband' and Marry

**Author's Note:**

> Fill for COC 2019 day 20: fairytale retelling
> 
> This is weird af y'all and don't say I didn't warn u
> 
> The original tale is _The Lame Dog_

I never really dared to dream about being adopted, mostly because if I ever let myself entertain the thought I’d start hoping. I’d seen too many kids brought low - and lower still - when they hoped to no use.

Maybe that’s why I was adopted - Mage, like my adoptive ‘father’ wanted to be called, did specialise in the hopeless cases, or so I’ve been told. The two adoptive sisters, Agatha and Penelope, didn’t seem hopeless to me, but I barely know what I  _ don’t  _ know. 

A couple of years on, it seemed likely that Mage’s ‘hopeless’ cases were rather just magic, not that I would’ve known that at the time. I’d like to think I’d know it now, but that might just be me flattering myself. 

As time passed, my understanding of magic grew ever so slightly, while my grasp of using it declined, if that was even possible. Something that did grow remarkably was how comfortable me and my  _ sisters _ were together. Penelope ‘ _ call me Penny or I’ll kill you’ _ felt like I’d known her my entire life, and nothing was more soothing than Agatha’s no-nonsense mindset at times of upheaval. 

Upheaval that loomed on the horizon, and had sent us all into a bad mood of epic proportions. 

None of us was very happy when the Mage informed us that we’d need to marry, in order to - as he said - further the advancement of the World of Mages. 

“There’s got to be something we can do? Protest somehow?” I said, staring unseeingly up at the domed ceiling of Penny’s room. There was an answering snort from the end of Penny’s bed, where she was sprawled out on her stomach.

“No. There’s nothing. He’s our Guardian, and in matters like this his word is law,” Agatha said, and for the first time her pragmatism, usually so comforting to me, rubbed me the wrong way. 

“What then? Roll over and accept the situation?” I sat up, looking at both Agatha and Penny, the two of them looking as woeful as I felt. Woeful wasn’t a word I’d ever associated with any of us before, but in this case, I felt like it fit.

“We could… no, that’s a dumb idea, isn’t it?” Penny said, looking more at Agatha than me. I had a feeling this was magic talk, and I wouldn’t exactly be of any help. 

“I’m not a mind reader, Penelope,” Agatha snapped, the only sign she wasn’t happy with the way this was going either.

“What if we Spoke them? The ones that will be courting us?” 

“You’re right, that  _ is  _ a dumb idea.” 

“It could work, though - we’d be involved with the decision, at least, more than we’re being now.”

“Things can go so wrong, Penelope.”

I was swivelling my head back and forth, watching the verbal tennis match going on in front of me. I was hopelessly lost, and decided to tell them as much.

“I’m hopelessly lost, guys. What are you suggesting, Penny, and what’s so dangerous about it, Agatha?” I said, the questions doing nothing to diffuse the tension in the room. Agatha was outright glaring at Penny, something I hadn’t ever seen her do before.

“Penelope is suggesting - and I cannot believe the thought ever crossed her mind! - she’s suggesting we Speak our suitors into existence, so we can decide who will be courting us,” Agatha replied. Penny huffed and crossed her arms, glaring back at Agatha.

“Well, I don’t hear any better ideas from you, now do I?” Penny said, before turning to me. “If we do this, we can decide what they’ll look like, what they’ll be like, and it won’t just be whoever the Mage decides will be the best fit to further his own agenda!”

“Can we… do that?” I said, hesitant to believe them and even more hesitant to do it, even if it could work. My grasp of magic was far from the best, and it looked like it’d never improve, either. Speaking someone into existence, that wasn’t exactly an easy task.

“...theoretically, yes,” Agatha admitted, after a long pause. “It’s possible, but there are so many things that can go wrong, is the thing. There’s no guarantee whatever suitor we Speak of is even human!”

“No, but we’d have a  _ choice _ , Agatha! Maybe he won’t be a human, but I’ll have chosen him, at least. What would we be forced to marry for the advancement of the World? A man thrice our age, forced to bear him children? No, not me. I  _ will  _ Speak my suitor into existence, may the consequences be what they will.” Penny’s words rang with magic, and whether she did it inadvertently or not, she’d turned the words into a Vow - even my limited knowledge of magic was enough to know it wasn’t something to be taken lightly.

Agatha near deflated, the fight leaving her almost visible as it fled. I realised I was holding my breath, waiting for what the fallout of this would be.

“I can’t  _ believe _ you just did that!” Agatha said, looking wide-eyed at Penny. “That’s - it could kill you, that vow.”

“It wasn’t actually meant to  _ be  _ a vow, Agatha, but - well, this way I have to do it, and I think it’s worth it.” Penny didn’t look very happy about it, but she did seem more at peace with this than she’d done with the idea of marrying whoever the Mage picked.

“I can see  _ one _ issue, at least, with this idea,” I said, and both Penny and Agatha swivelled around to look at me. I could see it dawning on them, too. “I can’t - I don’t have the control to Speak someone into existence, even if I have the magic to do it.”

“I didn’t consider you,” Penny whispered, hands over her mouth. Agatha looked just as terrified. “Oh, Simon, I’m so sorry, I can’t believe I forgot…” 

“Penny. Penny!” I managed to break into her monologue, ending the litany of apologies. “It’s fine, I can take it - you have to Speak someone into existence, Penny, you made a vow!”

Penny threw herself at me, sobbing into my shoulder. Agatha had turned her back to us and buried her head in her hands, long blonde hair falling forwards to form a curtain around her. 

I was startled from my comforting of Penny when Agatha, for the first time since I got to know her, shouted. It was a jubilant sound, not unlike what you’d hear at a football game, and it was so wildly out of place and out of character for Agatha, both me and Penny were pulled from our thoughts. 

“I’ve got it! I’ve got a solution!” Agatha was more boisterous than I’d ever seen her, coming over and throwing her arms around both me and Penny, almost vibrating in her excitement. She collapsed against us, laughing breathlessly. “For once, Penny, I did the solving!”

“Won’t you tell us what you figured out then, Agatha?” Penny managed to get out, words muffled where she was pressed against my shoulder. I was pretty certain I felt my ribs creaking from the force of Agatha’s hug.

“I know that mages who get along well and trust one another can share focus and power!” Agatha pulled her head back, grinning wildly at me and Penny. “I trust you both! Simon’s got the  _ power  _ needed for this! If we do a Circle, we can pull this off!”

I could see it slowly dawning on Penny, what this meant, and by the light in her eyes, it was something good. I had no idea.

“I have no idea what that means, but if you both think it’ll work, I trust you and will do whatever you tell me to do,” I said, once I’d managed to draw enough of a breath to speak again. 

It took quite a lot of studying - all of it done under the cover of night since none of us wanted to alert the Mage to what we were doing - before Penny and Agatha both felt we were ready to do the Circle.

The Mage was going away for a few days, and we decided that was when we had the best opportunity to do it. We waved goodbye to the Mage - like the good children he asked us to be - and as soon as he was gone, we went up to Agatha’s room. The only reason, they’d told me, we were using Agatha’s room was that it had the largest amount of free floor space. Privately, I thought it was because Penny didn’t feel like cleaning hers, and no one really trusts anything of mine - for good reason, probably.

While Agatha and Penny drew the chalk circle, which was supposed to ease the sharing of concentration and power, they did trust me to light the candles. Not to place them out, which was for the best, but I was allowed to light them. Once I’d done that, I was supposed to sit down on a chair and not move, not talk, and not do anything at all. It felt safer that way, so I didn’t even take offence at it.

“Okay, so what we’re going to do is this: we’ll sit down in the chalk circle, hold hands, and while one of us is talking, the other two must focus their entire being on whoever’s Speaking.” Agatha looked at me and Penny, face drawn and serious. We were all tired, exhausted after the time we’d spent researching this Circle, but it felt good that no matter the outcome, after tonight we’d have done what we could, at least. “Is everything clear? Everyone ready?”

Penny gulped before nodding gravely. They both turned to me, looking seriously at me. I probably didn’t realise quite how serious this was, how many things could go so very wrong, but just to be certain, I took a moment to think about it. Nope, not a single clue. I nodded to Agatha, as gravely as Penny just had.

“One last thing you must remember; we have to be honest about what we want in a partner, otherwise this is unlikely to work,” Penny said, looking more at Agatha than at me - which was probably a good thing, considering I must’ve looked like someone just pulled the carpet out from under me. Oh,  _ fuck _ .

They took their places, kneeling within the circle and clasping hands, heads bowed. Agatha, first adopted, first to be married, went first; hers were the first suitor who would arrive.

“When I marry, may my husband be fair in visage and mind; may he love me and let me be me, as our life begins, goes on, and ends.” There was a flash, and I felt as if a trickle of something ran down my spine. Penny took a deep breath, tightening her hand around mine.

“When I marry, may my husband be even in looks and temperament; may he be kind and full of light, as our life begins, goes on, and ends.” Again there was a flash and the trickle running down my spine, and with a start, I realised it was my turn. 

“When I marry, may my husband be dark of hair and light of heart,” I began, both Agatha’s and Penny’s hands tightening on mine when they realised what I’d said. “May he be happy and make me happy, as our life begins, goes on, and ends.” Again, the flash, but no trickle.

Agatha and Penny releasing my hands and standing up brought me out of my thoughts, and for a long moment, I didn’t dare look up at them. Once I did, it was to see their rather shocked faces. As usual, I took to humour to diffuse the situation.

“With my luck, I’ll have a lame dog for husband.” Maybe it was because Penny and Agatha had left the circle already, but they didn’t seem to feel the same trickle I felt. This time, the trickle running down my spine brought with it a sense of terrible foreboding. 

I did have some explaining to do, after that Circle. Apparently, it’s bad magic manners to not tell the people you’re going through a ritual with about the bombshells you’re going to drop during the ritual before you actually do go through with it.

We had our proof rather soon that the ritual had worked, when Agatha’s husband-to-be came to visit. He was tall and almost as blond as Agatha herself and treated everyone - people, animals, anything he came across - fairly. 

When they were wed, they omitted the traditional ‘honour and obey’ from the vows, and instead, he promised to love her as she deserved to be loved, and promised to always let her choose her own way. 

The slight foreboding feeling I had gotten after I Spoke my suitor into existence grew, and couldn’t be called slight in any way anymore. 

When Penny’s suitor arrived, the foreboding turned into terror and I more or less resigned myself to what the future most likely had in store for me. Her husband-to-be was even in looks - he had a face symmetrical enough you could’ve summoned a demon on it - and seemed like the kind of person it would take a lot to anger. He was also unfailingly kind, and I couldn’t have been happier for Penny.

Next suitor to arrive was, of course, mine. I’m not entirely sure how the Mage reasoned this through since these arranged marriages were supposed to take place to further the World of Mages, and I had no idea how a lame dog could in any way do that, but that was my suitor.

Just like I had Spoken, my suitor was a lame dog - fur like the blackest night, and when the dog spoke, because this was a magic dog and of course he could speak, he did so happily. 

If I cried after the ceremony, well, I couldn’t help but feel that I was justified in it. Because of a silly joke, said to lighten the tension, I had married a dog. 

How was this my life?

When Agatha set off with her husband, heading for their new dwelling, it was with a wonderful entourage who all seemed to love her. I wouldn’t let myself feel jealous about it, nor did I let myself resent Penny when her new husband whisked her away in a cloud of magic that almost smelled of love.

My new husband and I, we set out on foot - he was, as I’ve already mentioned, a dog, and lame to boot, so it was almost a given. It seemed a very odd dream, all of it. More so still when we, after walking a while, suddenly came to the edge of a forest. As far as I knew there weren’t any forests for miles around, and we hadn’t walked far enough to have reached one of them yet. Entering the forest, it took maybe half an hour before we reached a clearing, and there was the biggest house I’d ever seen - far more impressive and imposing than the Mage’s, even. 

“Here we are,” the dog said, with the mien of someone that, had he had arms, would have thrown them open to gesture to the entirety of everything in that clearing. I was both awestruck and speechless, and could only gape at the, well, splendour of it. When he realised that I wouldn’t be saying anything for quite some time, he led the way into the house.

“This is… amazing,” was all I could bring myself to say when we came through the door into the entrance hall. The dog somehow exuded smugness - don’t know how I could tell, but that dog was really smug right then.

“You’ll have free run of the house, of course, and you can do whatever you’d like,” the dog said, looking at me. He shifted nervously, claws scraping against the stone floor, before continuing speaking. “There is one small caveat, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask, really…”

I was a bit too apprehensive to say anything to prompt him to continue, visualising all manners of things that would classify as a caveat. I opted to keep quiet, instead raising an eyebrow at him. Well, I tried to raise an eyebrow at him, but as usual, I failed and raised both - I probably looked gobsmacked rather than wondering, but I’ll take what I can get.

“You absolutely mustn’t ever look at me while I am asleep; other than that, you’re free to do whatever your heart desires.” The dog looked seriously at me, awaiting my reply. I felt it was a very reasonable, if very weird, request which in turn - since the dog seemed so worried about my reaction - made  _ me  _ worry all the more.

I agreed, of course - it’s not like it’d be difficult. I was curious, though - what on Earth was so bad about looking at him while he slept?

I had underestimated my own curiosity. At first I was so busy exploring - and loving - my new surroundings I had no problem to  _ not  _ look at him, but then - as I got to know the house, however, it started niggling at me. What could possibly be so bad? 

That night, several weeks after I had first arrived, the curiosity got the best of me. After we had retired to our bedrooms, and I heard his door close, I snuck out of bed. It brought to mind the evenings at Watford, evenings spent with Agatha and Penny sneaking around after curfew. Caught in the moment, I had to suppress gleeful giggles. 

Crouching down to peer through the keyhole of his door, I had to curse how good he could see in the dark, because what I could see of his room was nothing but pitch black. Gradually my eyes adjusted, and I could just about make out him moving around. Then I saw what I absolutely did not expect; right before he got into bed, he  _ twisted _ , and suddenly stood on two legs, taller than he would’ve had he just, as a dog, stood on his hind legs. 

As he got into the bed, I could’ve sworn he was - human?

I went to bed again, but what I’d seen continued niggling at me, and that night, in particular, I had a very difficult time to sleep. It kept niggling, and in the days that followed, I couldn’t think of much else.

It annoyed me enough that I actually asked to go visit Penny, something my husband readily agreed to. He told me of the portal, hidden in the cellar, that could be used to travel anywhere in the world in almost no time at all. The biggest issue with it was that you couldn’t travel back the same way, but it was a trade-off I had no problems accepting.

“Simon!” Penny shouted, flinging herself at me, wrapping her arms around my neck. I laughed, hugging her back, squeezing her tightly. 

“Hello, Penny,” I said after swinging her around. “By Crowley, I’ve missed you.”

“Missed?! I’ve been stuck here - it’s lovely and my husband is amazing but I digress - all without anyone to talk to!”

“Penny. My husband is a dog.” She laughed, twisting on her heel to pull me along, dragging me into the house.

It was as we sat down in one of the reception rooms, the tea masterfully arranging itself on the round table, that we actually got to the main reason for my visit.

“You know how my husband is, at least in looks, a dog?” I said, alternating between looking at my teacup - self-stirring - and meeting Penny’s gaze. She nodded, a mirthful twist around her eyes, look saying  _ did you think I’d forget? _ . “I saw something, the other night, that made me think, and wonder, maybe he’s not actually a dog?”

At Penny’s insistent prompting, not that I needed a lot of encouragement, I laid out the entire story, starting with arriving at the magnificent mansion, ending with seeing my husband changing shapes.

“Oh, I’ve got just the thing!” she exclaimed, not saying anything more before rushing off. When she came back, she was carrying a candlestick. “Here!”

“Thank… you?” I said hesitantly. It looked like a typical arts-and-craft candlestick, more than a bit banged up too. 

“It’s a Revealer,” Penny laughed. “If you light it, it’ll show all things hidden, whether that’s by choice or by a curse.”

“Well, that sounds exactly like what I need,” I said, seeing the candlestick - the Revealer - in a new light. I put it in my bag, before putting it out of my mind.

I spent several days with Penny, the time span made possible by them also having a portal in the basement. Quite a bit of the time was spent mustering the courage to actually use the Revealer.

When I came back to the house - when I came back home, which it had quite quickly become - it was after a tearful goodbye, and to an empty house. I was quietly thankful for that, actually, since it let me muster some more courage.

The dog came back in the early evening, apologising for not being there when I came home. I was genuinely so jittery I couldn’t speak, instead just smiling at him. 

When the time came to head to bed, I lit the Revealer, and in the light of it, the dog twisted, changed, and it looked agonising. He turned into a man, and quite frankly the man was the most beautiful I had ever seen, but as he looked at me he looked despairing.

“What have you done,” he asked, backing out of the light cast by the Revealer. The moment he wasn’t lit up anymore, he twisted back into the limping dog, and he ran away out of the room. I was horrified, of course I was, so I chased after him. I ran after him, all the way out of the house and into the dense forest surrounding it.

I ran for what felt like hours until the stinging of the wounds caused by the whipping branches became too much. I stopped and fell to my knees, sobbing, face buried in my hands.

“What’s all this crying about, then?” a creaky voice asked from behind me, and I yelled in surprise, turning around and falling over in the process. It was, of all things, a toad.

“What - what on Earth, are you talking?” I said to the toad, as if I hadn’t been married to a dog for quite some time.

“Yes, and you’re crying. Why are you crying?” he asked, tone patient, sentences interrupted halfway through by a deep croak.

“I… I was married, and he asked me to not do one thing, one thing only I wasn’t allowed to do…” I said mournfully, shaking my head. “And that’s what I did.”

“Well, if you’ll be my friend and companion, being with me forevermore,” the toad said, a deep reverberating croak echoing through the trees before he continued. “If you do that, I’ll help you solve this.”

“No, no, I have a husband who I love and I will not - I will not say I’ll spend forevermore with you, when I don’t have him here,” I said, standing up and turning my back to the toad. I took a deep breath and left, trying to follow in my husband’s steps, hoping I was going in the right direction. What I did not see or hear was the toad smiling, wishing me  _ good luck _ .

When I had walked for as long again, I sat down on a large rock to rest my weary feet, and if I wept bitterly, that’s not entirely relevant.

“Why do you weep, Magician?” a deep voice said, and I looked up to meet the eyes of a large wolf. Everything was so weird I’d just accepted everything might as well happen now, up to and including giant wolves talking to me.

“I have lost the husband I love, and I fear I shall never find him or regain his trust again.”

“Let me be your best friend, I’ll show you the way,” the wolf said, tone almost pleading.

“No,” I refused him too, shaking my head. “I have a husband, and his is all the friendship I need.”

Again I stood up, continuing in the same direction I’d been going in. Again, I did not see the wolf smile and wish me  _ good luck _ before loping off in the opposite direction.

Before too long I came upon a snarling lion, caught in chains.

“Help me, magician,” said the lion. “Help me, and I’ll be forever in your debt.”

Now, I may not be the brightest bulb, but even I could see that probably wasn’t the best idea.

“I have no need of a lion indebted to me,” I said, knowing I sounded callous but too worried about my husband to actually care. “I have a husband I must find, his forgiveness to beg, and I don’t even know where to start with your chains.”

“Then, loosen my chains, and in return I will not eat you - as a token of my appreciation, and no admittance of debt.” The lion was canny, it seemed, and it did sound like a good idea. I have a hard time not helping people, or animals, in need.

“Fine. Fine,” I said, carefully approaching the lion. He was so weighed down with the chains he couldn’t move, much less attack, and seeing that made me feel a bit safer. Less so when I realised it was the chains I was supposed to help him remove. “You will have to guide me through the releasing, because I don’t know how.”

“It is not difficult; the only reason I have not managed seems to be the lack of opposable thumbs…” he sounded thoughtful, before literally shaking himself out of the thought. 

He talked me through getting the chains off of him, and it just goes to show how weird my life had turned out since the wedding that this didn’t even phase me. For every chain I managed to get off of him, he could stand a bit straighter, and he did look not only literally but metaphorically lighter.

Once the last chain was removed, the lion shook out his mane, twisted in place, and in front of me stood a tall, black-haired man.

“Hello, Simon,” he said, and it was the same voice as the dog and, as I belatedly realised, the lion. “My name is Baz, and I’m your husband - if you’ll have me.”

“Wha-?” I said, the surprise too big for me to actually form a coherent sentence - which I did sometimes have issues with even when not shocked beyond comprehension. 

“Yeah, I should explain that, maybe,” he - Baz? - said thoughtfully, reaching out to take my hand. He did it so absentmindedly I couldn’t be sure he knew he’d done it. “I was cursed, some years ago, to be the lame dog you married. I was never to tell anyone of my plight, never show anyone, or the consequences would be damning. Against all I’d been told, I married you - I felt called to do so, even if I felt it very unfair to inflict a dog on anyone.”

He shrugged, looking at me from under his lashes. I could only look at him in continued shock.

“You have declared your love for me three times in these woods, have been kind to all you’ve met but held me as your foremost priority… and then you, despite not getting anything for it, helped a ‘lion’ out of his chains,” he continued, look away from me. His thumb started stroking the back of my hand, and I’d never been so hyperaware of my own hand in my life. “You have loved me, despite being a lame dog, and for that, the curse was lifted.”

I still only stared at him. He looked like he was waiting for a reply, but I honestly couldn’t speak, so I only squeezed his hand. It was enough, apparently, because he kept on talking.

“I have no right to ask this of you, when you married me on false grounds, but - if you wanted, nothing would please me more than you coming with me back home, and we could resume our married life, and - cliché as it sounds - attempt to live happily ever after. What do you say?”

What did I say? Well, there was only one thing I could say, and that is what I did say.

“Baz? Shut up and kiss me.”

**Author's Note:**

> Holy smokes, 4.7k words... I have none left.


End file.
